Wednesday, July 27, 2011

See me shine ....

I found her....

I did find her. Finally. I had been searching and searching but didn't realize she changed her name. She changed her name to her married name. That was why it was so difficult to find her, wasn't it? I found her, though, I found her through a mutual friend.

I found her and found out...

I found out she was married. And married for a long time, like 19 years. Her husband is a religious mathematician. She lives in DC. She has 4 children, the oldest at 17 and the youngest at 6 years old. She is going to grad school. Grad school is going to help her because she feels something is missing? Something is missing? What? Doesn't she have it all?

What is it about how girls are raised? Girls are raised to behave a certain way; given dolls and play kitchens. They're trained at an early age to become a mother and a homemaker. Never is it right to live your goals. What goals? You need to get married. You're nothing without a good husband. A rich husband. You need to keep G-d close to your heart, the center of the family. And smile. Smile because that is what you're supposed to do.

So how many of these girls end up being happy? Are they happy? Does a smile on their face mean they're happy?

Then I think "well, how can they not be happy if they don't know anything else?"

I, the other hand, know there's something else. I know it because I live it. But like a diamond, I feel like I have so many facets that I sometimes don't know who I am. Who am I?

Oh, I can be a song that has been sung before. The bitch the lover the child the mother the sinner the saint your hell your dream or something in between. So I have good days and bad days. I always think that our planet has mixed days - every day, even - some part of the day there's darkness and other parts of the day there's light. Just like a woman. And Earth has two poles - it's bi-polar. There's yin and yang; rich and poor, feast and famine, love and hate, peace and war, dark and light. There is more than just "happy."

Oxymoron is the word I use to describe myself. Oxymoron: a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. What about a woman with contradictory terms? Would I be known as an "oxywoman?" I like to think I'm not a moron.

But like the diamond there are so many hidden facets that sparkle if you only look. If only I look. Oh, if only I can see me shine! Can you?